I may have had my most significant breakthrough in many years!!
A long time ago, perhaps as a teen, I’d made a decision along these lines:
“I hate getting criticized, so the best way to avoid it is to be super-critical of myself and even voice those self-criticisms aloud. That way, I will make myself perfect and there will be nothing for anyone to criticize. Or at least, people will feel sorry for me since they see how hard I am on myself.” This went along with my belief that nothing I did was ever quite good enough and that I, Cathy, was “not good enough.”
Wearing my homemade “deer ears” – better hearing
And yet, harsh as I was on myself, there were always people in my life ready to judge and criticize me. Also, the more I judged myself, the more I found myself filled with judgments of others.
As part of an online Peer Support Circle I had recently organized (inspired by Lynne McTaggart’s Power of Eight), I had set myself a goal to hear better by clearing up the congestion in my Eustachian tubes. A question that anyone with hearing loss might ask themselves, is: “What don’t you want to hear?” My answer, of course, was “Criticism! Judgments!”
Like me, you’ve probably heard that if one judges oneself, it’s a double-edged sword; it’s usually accompanied by judging others. Even so, I didn’t see that I had any choice except to judge myself.
About a year ago, I had a Colombian housemate who not only criticized my housekeeping, but became downright abusive, yelling at me. No matter how much I tried to improve or to placate her in order to escape her criticism, it only became more and more intense. Finally I realized that I did not need to tolerate this abuse, and asked her to leave. A short time before that, I lived for two months with a German woman who not only criticized me vehemently for things like closing the refrigerator door too carelessly, but also mocked me daily with cutting sarcasm. (She was a very wounded person.)
And this time around, living in a house with nine other people, there is one woman who has been consistently quite critical of me, even for things which I had not done. About a month ago I did The Work of Byron Katie to examine my thoughts about this. In the “turnaround,” Katie suggests changing the pronouns, for instance: “She shouldn’t criticize me” can turn into “I shouldn’t criticize myself” or “I shouldn’t criticize her.” Examining these statements, I could see that they are equally true…the essence of projection.
The next day I was talking on the phone with my best friend, who told me she’d had a breakthrough. She had always believed that her mother had abandoned her when she was very young by placing her in an orphanage for awhile. However, she knew that her mother was unable to cope and facing such financial strain that she might have to live in her car. Her new perspective was, “I wasn’t abandoned–my mother was trying to ensure that I would be safe and cared for.”
This shift in perspective had allowed a huge change in her perception of her mother and her childhood. I was so inspired by her, that I had a shift in perception myself!
A phrase came to me: “As I believe, I will receive.” (If I believe I am not good enough, I will receive others’ criticism. If I accept myself, others will accept me.)
I thought, “Well, what if my self-judgments are attracting the judgments of all these other people? What if, instead of resigning myself to forever believing I’m not good enough and having other people judge and criticize me, I shifted to accepting myself? Maybe that would result in not attracting all that judgment–and make it easier for me to stop judging others, too.” The choice was suddenly quite clear: Accept myself, or keep suffering the pain of criticism from others. Not only that–if I am “not good enough,” that means I don’t deserve to have any of the good things in life, such as making a comfortable income from meaningful work, and having a loving partner.
My practice is now, that every time I start to judge myself mentally, I interrupt the thought with “Even though I made a mistake/messed up, I deeply and completely love and accept myself exactly as I am.” At the same time, I take a slow, deep breath, then exhale while releasing the self-judgment. I imagine filling the space all around me with a warm, protective layer of self-acceptance.
It also occurred to me that, instead of pushing myself and taking my body for granted, I would extend some gratitude to each part of my body for serving me so faithfully and functioning so well over all these 79 years.
After such a long time, it may take a little while to rewrite the old program. But I am HOPEFUL! And as for the housemate, I have not heard one critical word from her in the past month, which is a small miracle. Instead, she has been giving me small compliments. It’s much less painful to accept myself, than to suffer judgments and conflicts!
I share this, in the hopes that perhaps you too will discover a new perspective on some harmful belief you may be holding. I’d love it if you’d write to me and share your own stories! cathy@breathing4health.net.